I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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