I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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