I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
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