also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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