A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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