I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Randomize
