my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
