this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I think a kid would responsible me up
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
