Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Randomize
