He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
What changed your mind?
Being sober
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
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