Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
