i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
