dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
