I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
no, he came in my armpit
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
