You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
