My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
