We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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