Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I FOUND THE LEGS
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
