Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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