just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
