Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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