You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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