No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
