i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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