get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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