It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
