There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Randomize
