So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
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