I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
