It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
