Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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