I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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