Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
