This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Never underestimate the power of titties
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