Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
