How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Randomize
