i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
