I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
