Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
