Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Houston, we have a blender
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
