I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
