if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
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