Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Randomize
