i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
