my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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