You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
