after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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