a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
