I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Randomize
