just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
