Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
