You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
