this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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