when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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