I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
