so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Someone came in the potted fern
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
