Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Randomize
