I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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