This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
