You just made me feel so damn special
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
