He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
