I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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