you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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