The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
