youre lurking in front of me
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
