dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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