Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
