Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
