your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
