I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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