now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Randomize
