please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
